tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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