I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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