I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize