Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
