Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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