awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
