Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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