I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
