soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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