"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
