so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
