Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
