awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
