Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
