You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
