I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
