My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
