u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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