The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
