So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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