The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
