I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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