She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
