YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
