I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
