I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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