toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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