yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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