i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
