Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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