UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
did i just pee glitter
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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