just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I FOUND THE LEGS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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