come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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