The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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