I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
