The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
