Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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