i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
