We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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