I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
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Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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