I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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