mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
