The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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