I wish I could teleport
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
