We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He passed out mid-signature
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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