I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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