I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
