JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
