if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
