You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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