I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
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I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i've created a new STD.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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