Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
