In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
