So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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