I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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