Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
